Carrying Insecurities for a Lifetime.

 I remember it all... very well. (Cringe!)  It was 1992. I was in 7th grade, a bit chubby, and although I got by on my sense of humor and impersonations of Bart Simpson and Pee Wee Herman, middle school was icky. My parents had switched me to a different school the year before because they were hoping for a better music program. It didn't end up being different at all, so I decided to go back to the old familiar school.

The style was very "Saved By the Bell" at the time and I vividly recall going in one day with my high tops, jeans and a brand new pink t-shirt (tied in a knot at the bottom.) The t-shirt was the ever popular (at the time) GUESS Jeans brand. Yep. It said GUESS in big ol' letters across the front. I remember going in to sit down at my desk, and sitting beside me there was a guy that definitely always looked older than everyone else. Maybe he had been in seventh grade several times? Anyway, when the teacher stepped out for a moment, he tapped me on the arm and said "200?" I said "huh?" and he said "Your shirt says GUESS." 

I was devastated. I mean, I was always taller than most and I was kind chubby, but nothing crazy out of the ordinary. Apparently, I was to him. Little did I know this would stick with me my ENTIRE life. It is one of several, similar things throughout school days that upset me over and over and over. Yes. I know we should move on from school days, let it go, etc. Even so, it felt traumatizing. It shaped the way I thought and felt about myself for the rest of my life. I am still trying to get out of that way of thinking, at 44! Do any of you reading this "relive" moments like this? Memories like these, unfortunately, are my most prominent school memories. UGH. 

KJ gets it. I think she can help turn me around. I am praying one day to be rid of these feelings, to get past them, to not let them define me. Although I know it is difficult, I am working on  it. Hopefully all of us that have been hit by these painful (however small they may seem to others) experiences and struggle with leaving them behind, can learn how to think beyond them.

Until next time,

Bethany

Me before all the insecurities!

Bethany, 

Oh my GOSH - I have such similar things that have stuck with me my ENTIRE life.  

There is one memory in particular that I go back to.  Andrew in 5th grade.  He was always a bully to others.  He was just that kind of kid...ALWAYS picking on someone, and in 5th grade, that someone was usually me.  He always called me Bubbles. Not because I was fun to be around and full of joy, but because I was round like a bubble, according to him anyway.  I was chubby, yes, and he chose that to embarrass me. He probably was trying to cover his own insecurities, but I was the brunt of it.  I remember getting a tight curly perm like Annie and I remember distinctly choosing that style so that he would make fun of my hair, and not my weight.  I can still see his face to this day.  In fact, a few years ago, I was in the grocery store and saw him at the other end of the aisle...probably 30 years since I had seen him.  I immediately burst into tears and had to leave the store.  His words cut so deeply.

It wasn't until I was nearly 42 that it struck me...he doesn't matter. His words didn't matter.  They hurt, yes, but they bear literally zero weight on my worth.  It sure didn't feel like it in 5th grade.  I remember sitting at the kitchen table reading the Bible and there was a verse.  Psalm 36:7- "Your faithful love is priceless, God! Humanity finds refuge in the shadow of your wings."  The shadow of HIS wings.  Not the shadow of Andrew. Not the shadow of 5th grade.  The shadow of my GOD.  The one who created me and speaks truth about HIS love for my soul.  The same God that designed the beautiful creation around us, intentionally designed me to be who I am.  He designed me with the strengths, weaknesses and talents that I have.  How much more am I as a human cherished than the trees, and look how intricately they are designed.  I live in the shadow of His wings.  The protection of His love.  Andrew and his hateful words - they aren't a part of who I am.  They don't get to be, because my CREATOR is so much bigger than 5th grade Andrew.

Love ya sis,

KJ